I’m Struggling

Flashing back to my younger life to set the stage a little, I was and still am a huge people pleaser. My life feels a little incomplete when people “don’t like me” or don’t try as hard in the friendship/relationship. I take it personally and view it as if it’s because of something I have done or if there is something wrong with me. I take it so personally that I stay up many nights internally sad because I am constantly trying to make everyone like me and it just never works. I am trying to go so far out of my way to make things easier for others and to force all these friendships. And that makes me sad.

So as people close to me may know last fall semester was really hard for me. I found myself struggling with many thoughts and decisions internally, and thus, I found myself incredibly unhappy with my life. I felt alone, overwhelmed, sad, and generally lost. I came back from a summer in Costa Rica thinking I was so sure of what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be that many things became lost in the mix. I found my independence from my thoughts and free from the idea that everyone needs to like me.

I felt disappointed that I went back to my personal prison so quickly after returning. So I decided to study abroad again to run away from my thoughts and emotions. And let me tell you, that’s just never a good idea.

Here I am, in Florence, Italy. Living my version of a dream life, and I find myself struggling every single day. I find myself crying (a lot), sad, and not taking full advantage of my limited time being able to travel around to countries I have always dreamt of. I find myself letting people I met 2 months ago make me feel miserable because we just honestly will never get along. I find myself trying so hard to make more friends that I forget about the amazing people I have already met (and have back home). And I am so mad that it took me two months to figure all of this out, but happy because I still have 2 more amazing months to spend with people who lift me up and to honestly just enjoy my time with myself.

So yeah, my life on social media looks amazing and happy. But that picture of me laughing with wine in front of the Eiffel tower? I had a panic attack and was hyperventilating and sobbing in the middle of the streets of Paris because I allowed someone’s words to get to me. And that can be said for many, many pictures on my social media.

I just felt like this was something I needed to do, to set myself free from my thoughts in a way. My life is actually so far from perfect and I’d like to stop pretending that it is so I can move on and start living a happier and more appreciative life. So here was my attempt to do that.

2 thoughts on “I’m Struggling

  1. Now it also sounds you have pretty bad anxiety and some issues to work through. Treat that shit. Now. Living with mental health issues is like sitting next to the masturbating homeless guy on the train, it’s fucking terrible but more time there isn’t going to help. Look, if you had an itchy rash on your butthole, it’d uncomfortable and maybe even embarrassing to talk about, but it’d waaaaaay worse when (not if) it bursts from neglect and sitting on it. And…uhhh…that…uh..last reference was not drawn from personal experience. The point is I battled depression and if I didn’t treat that shit…well…I probably wouldn’t be writing this unnecessarily long response to the blog post of a total stranger.

    Life advice, my parents pushed me and my sister to be a lawyers. My sister is a lawyer and she is happy, but I knew did not want to be a lawyer. So I took the LSAT classes and LSAT, but my heart wasn’t in it. My grades and LSAT score was good enough to get into law school (tier 2), but in life and relationships you need to be ‘FUCK YES!’ about it or ‘FUCK NO!’ about your passions because you will fail if you aren’t 100% all in. Instead I applied to a exclusive teaching program I was passionate about, prepared, and got accepted. All the work that went into it felt freeing because it was MY choice. Make a choice. You know why you may be unhappy? There is no ownership. No agency in you. Make a choice right now about what you want and then go for it. Even if it’s wrong, at least it is yours. Choose to leave social media or choose to stay on social media knowing there will be dickbags out there, choose to eat alone or choose to eat with friends, choose to get your ass rash treated early or choose to neglect it and let it burst into a fountain of…sorry.

    This is one of the most shallow pieces of writing I have read -and in the spirit of honesty- strikes me as more than a little narcissistic. For fucks sake nobody’s life is perfect, but you need to nut the fuck up or seek help. The people you know 2-months ago your junior year in college will but a fart in the wind come age 27. You say want to make it in entertainment, then seize the opportunity to be entertaining. You have the time and money to travel to a place most people only dream of so read about the history of the city and explore. Research offbeat places to eat and go order the weirdest thing on the menu. Ask locals for hangouts. Maybe stay at a hostel so you can meet other travelers. Own your life and live it, otherwise your life will live you. Or end up laying on your stomach in the hospital praying the gas station burrito you ate two nights ago already passed all because you were too embarrASSed (get it? like the butt rash jokes?…okay I need to move on to a better ANALogy) to get it looked at by a doctor before it got infected and burst.

    This post was brought to you by Preparation H, “When you know you need it, it’s too late.” and by
    Disney, “You can’t put a price on childhood, so we did.”

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