Flashing back to my younger life to set the stage a little, I was and still am a huge people pleaser. My life feels a little incomplete when people “don’t like me” or don’t try as hard in the friendship/relationship. I take it personally and view it as if it’s because of something I have done or if there is something wrong with me. I take it so personally that I stay up many nights internally sad because I am constantly trying to make everyone like me and it just never works. I am trying to go so far out of my way to make things easier for others and to force all these friendships. And that makes me sad.
So as people close to me may know last fall semester was really hard for me. I found myself struggling with many thoughts and decisions internally, and thus, I found myself incredibly unhappy with my life. I felt alone, overwhelmed, sad, and generally lost. I came back from a summer in Costa Rica thinking I was so sure of what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be that many things became lost in the mix. I found my independence from my thoughts and free from the idea that everyone needs to like me.
I felt disappointed that I went back to my personal prison so quickly after returning. So I decided to study abroad again to run away from my thoughts and emotions. And let me tell you, that’s just never a good idea.
Here I am, in Florence, Italy. Living my version of a dream life, and I find myself struggling every single day. I find myself crying (a lot), sad, and not taking full advantage of my limited time being able to travel around to countries I have always dreamt of. I find myself letting people I met 2 months ago make me feel miserable because we just honestly will never get along. I find myself trying so hard to make more friends that I forget about the amazing people I have already met (and have back home). And I am so mad that it took me two months to figure all of this out, but happy because I still have 2 more amazing months to spend with people who lift me up and to honestly just enjoy my time with myself.
So yeah, my life on social media looks amazing and happy. But that picture of me laughing with wine in front of the Eiffel tower? I had a panic attack and was hyperventilating and sobbing in the middle of the streets of Paris because I allowed someone’s words to get to me. And that can be said for many, many pictures on my social media.
I just felt like this was something I needed to do, to set myself free from my thoughts in a way. My life is actually so far from perfect and I’d like to stop pretending that it is so I can move on and start living a happier and more appreciative life. So here was my attempt to do that.